Ignorance is bliss

In February I threw away my scale. Before that I weighed myself every morning and agonized over tiny fluctuations. I let those numbers dictate my mood and what I thought of myself. Since I am trying to be more proactive about things that cause my anxiety, I decided the best way to stop worrying about my weight was to not know my weight. I ceremoniously deposited the scale in our garbage can on a Sunday and sighed a nervous breath when the trash was picked up that Monday.

At first I kind of panicked. Not knowing the number actually increased my anxiety. I worried about suddenly gaining even though I've been extremely consistent for most of my adult life. But eventually I began to forget about it. My clothes were fitting just as they always did. I was feeling less guilt over eating certain things. I was not trying to estimate calories in my head. I was able to almost completely disassociate from that number. It was liberating.

So now it's been two months I've gone without knowing my weight. Today I was at the YMCA to run on the treadmills and they have a scale in the locker room. Admittedly I immediately felt relief. Relief that I could finally weigh myself again, to see just how far off track I was and where I needed to be, to have the data, to be in control.

And I weighed myself. I was the same weight I've pretty much always been. Thoughts jumped into my head right away that I used to hear all the time. "Ok, that is fine but it could be better." Or "It's not the lowest I've ever been." This time however, those thoughts were fleeting. Almost a haze I could waft away with a wave of my hand. I got on the treadmill, had a good run and mostly forgot all about it.

That response is STARKLY different than my old response. That number would flash above my head for the rest of the day like a neon sign. I might forgo a snack I would have otherwise eaten. I would anxiously await the next morning, where I could do this ritual all over again and maybe have a better outcome. But now I've realized that knowing vs. not knowing doesn't change anything. I do not weigh significantly less when I weigh myself daily. People do not like me more. I do however, experience a lot more stress, negative body image, and anxiety. People probably like me less since I am an unconfident moody mess.

I personally don't give a shit what anyone else weighs. So why must I put that pressure on myself? I plan to continue my life without a scale. It really frees my mind up to focus on a lot more important things; like what new projects Scott and I are going to do this weekend, or what book I will read next, or how should I go about my first sewing project.

I am so much more than my weight.

Re-cycle, up-cycle, spring-cycle

I am currently laying in bed with and all three of the kitties, enjoying coffee and slow Saturday mornings. The cats are thrilled with the change of season and have been spending as much time as they can watching the rain from the windowsills or following the birds. I also have been reveling in this weather and returned to running on the Monon after work (with about everyone else in Indianapolis), or heading down to Brown County with Scott to enjoy muddy trails. My relationship with running is going really well now. Since I've kind of stopped letting it define me and my worth, I've been experiencing a lot less anxiety about it. I also have a lot less to say about it (or blog about it) now since I am just running for enjoyment. Apologies if you came for the running talk!

Yesterday we got a dirt (ahem, "soil") delivery for the garden. It's coming along nicely! Again, all this work was done by Scott. Next to plant the seeds!

In other sustainable living practices, my sewing class wrapped up and I am completely hooked now. I made three items in the class; a pillow case, an apron and a tote bag. The woman teaching the class was fantastic, she really had so much knowledge about sewing and was incredibly patient with a total novice like me. Scott's mother generously lent me her sewing machine and I've been messing around with it in my down time by making small stuffed animals for a few friends that have new babies. So far the babies approve.

     

I'm really itching to start making clothing, but I haven't settled on where to start at all. I'm considering buying my own machine with more garment appropriate features. Speaking of garments... today is another excuse for Sartorial Saturday! Though to be honest I think I wore this Tuesday. If you knew how many pictures I had to make Scott take to get this one good one....

With the exception of the shoes I can say this entire outfit was second hand! I didn't even realize that when I put it together. The top is a thrifted Gap shirt, the skirt thrifted Target, the sweater is a thrifted Loft cardigan. And to continue with this theme, today I am hosting a "Clothing Exchange" with some friends. More upcycling! 

Sartorial Saturday

Spring has FINALLY arrived in the midwest. We're seeing temperatures in the 50's - which really makes for much more enjoyable running. I am able to wear capris again! In an hour or so I'm leaving for our group run on the canal towpath.

So, a bit off topic - but I've started my beginners sewing class and I am completely in love. I am the only person in the class so I am basically getting private lessons. The class focuses on three projects; a pillow case, an apron and a tote bag. They all include a few extra features like a french seam, installing a zipper, edge-stitching.... so I am getting a really comprehensive introduction to sewing. I am starting to look into buying a machine for myself and hopefully continue this hobby! This is really making me pay more attention to clothes in general - now I examine all my shirts to understand their construction and fit. It also really helps me be more objective about my body; realizing that no two figures are the same and the likelihood of clothes fitting perfectly off the rack is very low. For instance - I have broad shoulders, which makes some shirts feel tight across the upper back, but not tight elsewhere. And I'm pretty tall (5'8") so finding pants with a long enough inseam is sometimes a challenge.

I've been spending a lot of time lately browsing sewing/personal style blogs and I think that is something I'd like to include more here on my blog. Who knows, maybe I'll one day be able to show off something I've made for myself.

Yesterday we went out to dinner with friends to an Ethiopian restaurant - seriously some of the best food in the world. Before we left I made Scott take pictures of my outfit. We're going to have to streamline this modeling process. He mostly just takes rapid-fire pictures with my iPhone while I awkwardly shift around. Evidence below.

Such fashion.

Next I'll be gracing the pages of Vogue.

Doh!

These jeans I found two weeks ago at a Carmel re-sale boutique. They are Marc Jacobs!!! And ridiculously long!!! I couldn't believe my luck. Shirt from my mom from the Gap (thanks!), bag from Out of Print, flats from Target, and earrings from a local handmade shop. 

Hope you enjoyed this Sartorial Saturday post!

Race Recap: DINO Series 5k, Mounds State Park

I mentioned months ago that I signed up for the entire DINO (Do INdiana Outdoors) 15K trail series. Due to the severe norovirus I got 3 weeks ago, I made the wise decision to drop down to the 5K. I am STILL not completely over this bug; major symptoms yes, but my digestive system is totally out of whack. So bad that I haven't been able to run really at all. I can barely go grocery shopping with out needing to run to the bathroom so running was pretty much out of the question. But thankfully I am recovered enough now to run, but I was so glad I dropped down to the 5K.

Recent snow melt and rain meant for an extremely muddy course for the day, but it's trail running. That's part of the package. My goals for this race were to complete it with out needing to stop for a bathroom break. Nothing more. I know that my body is kind of weak right now, my weight is probably down (but I don't know because I threw away my scale, hurrah!) and my endurance is crap.

Report wise, I don't really have much. It was muddy, and slow and full of stairs. I definitely need to work on strength/hills to really improve my trail run times. But overall it was a fun race, I finished in a not too embarrassing position (2nd in my age group FTW) and had fun spectating Scott in the 15K.

Scott finished 4th in the 15K! And we both got age group awards annnnnd discounts to Runner's Forum. Mostly I am just happy to be able to run again!

Will update later with my time, but from my watch it looked to be around 32:xx. Meh.

Update: 32:02.6 final. Still Meh! But technically a new trail 5K PR. 

Awesome women for a snowy day

I've been dealing with norovirus this week so my physical activity has dropped to zero. I only started really eating solid food on Friday and am still not feeling 100% - so since I've no new musings on running or yoga lately I'll be doing something different.

I've found that one of the best ways to cope with a difficult situation or find motivation is to share your experiences. Every time I've shared something I've been embarrassed about or struggled with - I usually find I get responses from people are "Me too!!!" No one else has their shit together either, we're all just fumbling through this and doing our best. So today I am going to share with you some of my favorite resources and women that have made me laugh, made me feel less alone or made me think "I can do this!"

1. Anna Akana

I stumbled across her YouTube channel when I had just moved into my apartment post-divorce. I had no friends in Kansas and worked alone so needless to say I was lonely. I think I googled something like "how to be alone" and up came one of her videos. Not only is she hilarious and genuine, but she also struggles with anxiety and confidence but is constantly working on herself. In the last year she's gotten even more into film making so you can always expect a quality video that will make you laugh. Oh, and she's a total cat lady.

2. ALBinWonderland

ALB is pretty 'internet famous' from my understanding. She has a popular YouTube and tumblr (which is where I came across her) and she is a great voice for modern feminism. She is also down to earth, and shares stories of falling on the treadmill, dealing with cat calling, depression and developing self-love. I also really respect her approach that "femme isn't anti-feminine" and you can be any type of woman you like and still be a feminist. 

3. Chloe Dykstra

Chloe is again, another YouTuber, and big in gamer/cosplay culture. Now I don't play many video games so most of that is lost of me, but she does has some great personal videos about dealing with insecurities. 

4. Lagusta Yearwood

Lagusta owns an AMAZING gourmet chocolate shop in New Paltz, NY. I learned of her through a bunch of our NY vegan friends who introduced Scott and I to her chocolates. Hands down, the BEST vegan chocolate out there. It's beautifully hand crafted and no detail is lost on her. All aspects of her business are as sustainable as possible (compostable ribbons, socialist sliding soup scale days, policy of not fraternizing with shitty companies cough *UO* cough). Her personal blog is a fantastic window into being a feminist, anarchist, chocolatier in this complicated modern day and age. I very much admire her quest to avoid sweat-shop clothing as much as possible and to do it with style. No seriously, it's great. Just browse her instagram here.

Photo by Deena Feinberg for The Hairpin

5. Herself

I only came across this website yesterday but it really was a great read. Called Herself, the site features nude images of women of all types and is accompanied by a very personal interview with the women. Jezebel describes here,

The women of Herself are always photographed naked, by a female photographer, with the intention of flipping the script on what it means to have nude photos on the internet. What happens when the woman depicted is subject and rather than object? What happens when she's exposing herself by choice, and without the intention of titillation? What happens when she is in control of her own image?

I saw this really as a great display of body-positivity, though it encompasses so much more. Needless to say that website contains nudity, so you've been warned.

So! There's something for you to browse if you are stuck inside like us on this snowy Sunday.

More pictures!

For some reason I have been compelled to take pictures of things (and not just for instagram) for this blog. No reason, just you know.... content.

Yesterday we kicked off Valentine's day with a run at Brown County State Park. We got there right around 8 am. It was chilly and windy which I think was why the park was DESERTED. We had it almost all to ourselves.



I ran for about 1hr 10 minutes (6.5 miles? 6 miles?) and Scott put in his 16 mile long run. This run showed me that I am completely out of trail shape, but it was enjoyable none the less.



The solitude of an enormous park like this really highlights how absurd urban life is most of the time. I've been reading Walden lately - so I couldn't help but feel kindred with Thoreau and his quest to return to nature.

After the run we headed into Bloomington, per usual, to pick up all the best vegan baked goods this college town has to offer. Once back in Indy we spent the rest of the day in bed watching TV. Wild right!? We both agree that we want nothing more from our weekends - a hard effort of running in the morning, refueling with something delicious, and then returning to sweatpants and cats.

We did go out for Valentine's Day, our friend that owns an all vegan restaurant was putting on a 4-course dinner and gifted us tickets. Needless to say it was amazing. Roasted butternut squash canapés amuse bouche, arugula salad with cherry chutney and smoked coconut, seitan steak!, and an absolutely decadent brownie for desert. It. was. amazing.

And since that wasn't enough, we returned home (back to pajamas and bed) and ate artesian vegan chocolates from Lagusta's Luscious.



So I'm feeling sufficiently spoiled right now and can't say I'd want my life to be any other way. Maybe more cats.

Going ons in the little white house

Life lately in the little white house is good. I've been happy to be away from facebook and instagram (for almost one whole week, gasp!) - it's been a really nice way to quiet all the 'noise'. Even if most people do so in jest, there is a lot of negativity and complaining happening online.

In lieu of carving out a life that is separate from what dominant culture dictates, Scott and I have been implementing more self-sustainable practices into daily life. For me this has been focusing on the difference between 'want' and 'need', particularly when it comes to clothes. Excess in our culture is so apparent in our attitude towards clothing. I know personally I've almost come to treat things as 'disposable' after a year of wear, what with the constantly changing trends and decline in garment quality. Though I've always donated my unwanted clothing to places like Goodwill, it really doesn't sit well with me - the constant turnover, constant purchasing...not to mention that they come from sweatshops. So I've resolved to shop thrift or consignment as much as possible. This is already working in my favor - I found a bunch of great things for incredibly cheap at the first shop I went to. I'm also really set on taking up sewing...

Scott has taken to turning our backyard into a vegetable garden. I can take no credit for this as I've only watched him work out in the cold from the comforts of the house. I have been putting all my banana peels in the compost... that counts right?

I picked up a new pair of running shoes yesterday (I realize that this completely contradicts what I am trying to do in the previous paragraphs - I am a hypocrite, yes) and I am in love. They are NOT neon. Who knew you could find that. Oh and they feel great, but I haven't had a proper run in them yet. I was actually disappointed in the Kinvaras I just wore out - they fit great, but the durability of them was pretty poor. I went with Adidas Adios Boosts. And they were on sale.

Tomorrow we head down to Brown County for some trail running, good thing since my trail series starts in one month! We also get to celebrate Valentine's Day with a fancy four course vegan dinner our friend's restaurant is putting on. No complaints here.

Now I'm off to curl up in bed with the cats and watch The Fall on netflix as this week has been ridiculously busy at work and I can't wait to turn off my brain.