Hello hello.

So I've decided to transition into a sewing-focused blog, find me here: https://fluxandstasis.wordpress.com/

Still running.

Fall happenings - and it's not even Thanksgiving yet!

Fall is without a doubt my favorite season. It's beautiful, the weather is exciting and unpredictable and it seems to bring a feeling of new-ness (I will always associate Fall with the start of a new school year, new books, new clothes, new me). Scott and I have been particularly busy this Fall, namely to squeeze in as much as we could before his scheduled third surgery in late October. But thanks to some insurance red-tape, his surgery has been moved to January and we are continuing to fill Fall with as much as possible.

In September I turned 28 (!) and enjoyed seeing my parents the weekend prior. We had a good time showing them around Indy and southern Indiana. My brother gifted me his old Nikon DSLR and I've been trying to catch some good snaps!

In October Scott and I went on a one night backpacking trip in Deam Wilderness. I've never done any backpacking before but I loved it! We ended up hiking in about 8 miles, setting up camp, then hiking out the next day. It was so nice to be lost in nature for an extended period of time. It really highlights how removed we are from it in daily life.







Later in October we found ourselves in Philadelphia/New Jersey for 1) Scott's cousin's wedding, 2) the Runner's World Half Marathon that Scott was running, and 3) Tamerlaine Farm Animal Sanctuary for their Oktober fest.

The half-marathon was so fun to be a part of. Last year this time Scott was on the cover of the December issue after winning the cover contest. They offered him a free entry into this race and it happened to fit into our schedule. Scott ended up placing 9th and smashing his goal; running a 1:20:02 on a hilly course. From there we headed over to Tamerlaine Farm; a farm animal sanctuary run by friends of ours. To be clear, this is a farm that houses animals that have been rescued from farming operations; headed to slaughter, or otherwise living in awful conditions. Some of the roosters had been dumped on a busy highway, an enormous pig Artie was living in a bathroom in NYC, and dozens of chickens had been rescued from the Kaporos ritual. This was something I'd never heard of before now, but it is a Jewish atonement ritual that takes place before Yom Kippur. Chickens are used to 'transfer evil' into, then they are swung around the head while fully alive, and then their throats are slit. This barbaric ritual is still legal in NY because religious freedom is protected under law. It absolutely enrages/confuses/saddens me that something like this is allowed because of archaic traditions that fall under the umbrella of 'religion'. I should note that this is only done by a very devout sect of Jews; most do not slaughter chickens in the street.

Many of these chickens are typical industry chickens; breed to grow so fast their legs break under their abnormal weight and to over produce eggs at a rate that causes ovarian tumors. Many of these chickens have injuries and difficult lives even after rescue - and end up dying prematurely.

It was an emotional experience to say the least. The chickens were curious and affectionate and friendly. I am just so happy there are people like the owners of Tamerlaine out there to provide a haven for these guys.

November has continued to be a busy month; last weekend Scott paced the Indianapolis Monumental Marathon and ran a perfectly paced 3:05 marathon. 

And last night we were again gifted tickets to our friend's six course plated vegan Thanksgiving dinner. The food was INSANE. So fancy and flavorful and beautiful.... 

Main entree: Seitan roast over turnips with roasted carrots and brussel sprouts. 

I'm still looking forward to Thanksgiving in two weeks where we plan to host friends for a vegan pitch in and I'm currently taking another sewing class (garments this time!) so hopefully more sewing projects will follow.

So clearly Fall remains the best season.

First attempts at sewing

I did it, I finally made something on my sewing machine! I've been attempting to make a collared shirt out of muslin (practice fabric) for a while but kept getting stuck at steps. After realizing that this was probably too advanced for a first project, I started with a dress pattern that had the words "EASY" on the front. Much better choice.

The pattern

As you can see, the McCall's 7118 is a simple dress with minimal fitted areas. Essentially a sack dress. I chose to do the version A with straight straps. According to my measurements I cut a 12 from the pattern (for those not familiar to sewing these are different from store dress sizes. I am typically a 4-6 in dresses). In hindsight I probably could have cut a 10, but you have to learn some how.

I chose a woven cotton fabric for this, bought 2 yards and 1 yard of fusible interfacing. I pre-washed the fabric, pressed it, then cut out all my pieces. First the interfacing was fused to its respective pieces, and the straps were stitched. The back pieces went next, then the back facing. Facing confused me a little bit (for you non-sewers this part attaches the straps to the back and gives it a nice finish, also adds support) but the back was quite simple. Attaching the front facing is where I ran into challenges.

Back straps in the correct direciton and facing. 

My first mistake was that I attached the straps in the wrong direction. Where they were supposed to curve inward, mine curved outward. This meant that to attach to the shoulder they were going to have to cross, rather than lie flat. I though maybe I could squeeze by and just cross them (like in version B) but nope - not enough fabric. I ended up taking out the straps, flipping them, and then re-stitching them to the facing. Once this was corrected, I attached them to the front of the dress with the front facing.

The front facing was very curved; convex and concave curves. To finish the bottom edge I took it really slow since I am not yet that great at sewing anything other than a straight line. It wasn't too bad. After I attached the facing to the front of the dress and flipped it inside out I was sure I made some other mistake. The fabric pulled and bunched and would not lie flat. However, after watching a youtube video I learned how to fix this by sniping to the seam line at the curves and to take out a lot of bulk at the seam. There is still a little pulling in the strap.

Completed front facing.

From here it was mostly easy street. I stitched up the sides and then the hem and was done! Or so I thought. The first fit was much too loose around the torso, even for a loose fitting dress. I ended up taking in the side seams by about 0.5 inches each which solved the problem! It still doesn't fit perfect... but I not going to worry about that! 

I also don't know that much about finishing seams (making them neat and tidy so they don't fray) so most of mine are raw. I've messed around with a little bias tape, and french seams, but right now I'm fine with it as it is. Honestly I am just excited I made a thing! A thing that I can wear!!

Oh right, about that. I didn't do a lining so it might be a little see through in the light, but it is a black fabric and I'm not really concerned. So here's the final product:

ChiChi wanted in on the action.

!

The back.

In total it took me 3 days, maybe 6 hours total? Now what do I make next?

"I'm a runner"

I initially started this blog to talk about running - but lately I haven't been doing much of that. I've done some sporadic trail running, but otherwise I've been much more interested in cycling, HIIT, or yoga.

And I'm totally cool with that! Wait, no. I'll rephrase - I am mostly cool with that.

Sometimes having an 'identity' kind of sucks. At work everyone knows that I run, so that is a common thing they bring up. "Are you training for anything?" "Did you run today?" And so on and so on. Same with acquaintances, family.... even my doctors. People get that one little detail about you and file that away. Its no fault of theirs, I do the same thing with other people. But lately I've been left to answer those questions with an "....uh not so much". And then I quickly feel the need to explain why, and blah blah blah.

Which I suppose is what I am about to do here.

Anyways. I haven't been running much because I don't feel like it. That's all. I'm letting go of the labels and just doing and being how I want. Running can become an activity where I don't feel like I am good enough sometimes. I feel that I know so much about it; what is a fast pace, what is a slow pace, what is high mileage. All those little qualifications get stuck in my head and then I start comparing myself to other runners and its all downhill from there. But cycling and yoga I know next to NOTHING about. And it's great! I love being a novice. I have absolutely no expectations for myself, no PRs to look back on, no sense of fast and slow. I leave every session of yoga or time on the bike trainer proud of myself just because I did it.

Admittedly part of my need to always run in some manner had to do with weight. I was constantly concerned that if I stopped running I would gain weight uncontrollably. But that hasn't appeared to happened (I wouldn't know since I no longer weigh myself). Regardless I am really getting over the idea that thinness = the end all be all of life. It's really such a waste of time.

With all this in mind, I am still going to be running in some capacity. I signed up to be a Girls on the Run coach this fall for pre-teen girls in the area! It's fantastic organization that aims to build confidence in young girls through activity. They even made a point in the training to emphasize that they don't care if the girls run, just that they are moving in some way. I know that I spent a lot of time in middle school worrying about being 'cool' and wearing the right clothes and trying to fit in. It would have been really nice to have some activity with friends devoted to confidence building. Especially now since all kids have Facebook and smart phones by age 13 (really, WTF?! I am so so glad Facebook didn't exist for me until college and iphones until graduate school).

Currently I am in NJ with Scott's family relaxing, eating banana whip and doing yoga everyday. And all the yoga here is apparently hot yoga. Holy smokes do you sweat a lot! So who knows maybe I'm on a path to be a spandex-y yoga fanatic. I knew my long arms were useful for something.

Ubiquitous Cancer

Sorry for the radio silence - things lately have been a whirlwind; both at work and home. I was in the process of writing a long post about the Hawthorn Half day I participated in a few weekends ago, but in light of recent events it seems insignificant. This past weekend a friend of ours died of cancer. It's been so devastating and impossible to reconcile with the idea of 'right' and 'fair' that we have in our minds. I realize that those concepts are man made and have no meaning in reality.

I met Chelsea almost exactly one year ago. Her and her boyfriend, Alan, have been close friends with Scott for many years, overlapping in both the vegan community and running community. The day I met Chelsea really stands out in my mind because it happened on a day I was experiencing a deep low. I even wrote about it here. I was struggling with depression slowly creeping back over me, tangled up in anxiety and self doubt. This was before I started seeing a therapist again, but that day - simply meeting Alan and Chelsea turned it all around. We saw Alan briefly at an aid station of the ultra he was running. Chelsea was there with their dog to provide support and cheer him on. After Alan departed again, we hung out with Chelsea for a while and I got into quick conversation with her about science, nutrition and our obsessive running partners. She was so easy to talk to, friendly, laughing... all brightness.

I learned later from Scott that Chelsea had survived lymphoma a few years prior. But last fall, as a side effect of the radiation she received - a sarcoma developed. Surgery happened and was quickly followed by chemo, then another chemo when there was no response. Some of her treatment occurred in the hospital adjacent to my research lab so Scott and I were able to visit multiple times. Chelsea remained positive, sarcastic and humorous when we saw her, exactly the same as when I met her last May.

When chemo still didn't illicit a response, she was referred to my own boss's genomics clinic - a new clinical trial where the patients tumor is sequenced to see if there are more targeted medicines that can be used. The amount that my work and personal life overlap is not something I am fond of.

Scott and I were able to visit Chelsea last Thursday, and she still was able to laugh at the socks Scott brought her that said "fuck this shit" and "I don't know, I'm high".

I spent this entire past weekend at work, racing to finish some sequencing we're doing for genetic markers for congestive heart failure, a rare but dangerous side effect that results from the chemotherapy adriamycin. Chelsea received this during her first treatments, and did experience rare heart damaging effects of this drug. I felt angry that science failed her. That technology itself was to blame for the sarcoma. But it also brought everything full circle - though my day to day research might seem insignificant, it ultimately aims to improve the quality of life of patients. Maybe this is just me trying to find meaning when there is none.

I only knew her briefly, but her impact was great. Chelsea - we are going to miss you.

Race Recap: 2015 Cape Cod Ragnar - Team Strong Hearts Vegan Power

Photo cred: Chris Cooney/The Vegan Zombie

Last weekend was a whirlwind. An amazing, fun, exhausting and eye opening whirlwind. I participated in the 2015 Cape Cod Ragnar with a huge group of over 40+ ethical vegans. I was pushed to my limits physically, made tons of new friends and had an experience of a lifetime. But first, what is a Ragnar?

I'd never heard of Ragnar before Scott did his first one in 2013. A Ragnar is a relay race of roughly 200 miles; point-to-point, for a team of 12 runners. Or 6 if you're an ultra team. We had three teams this year for Strong Hearts Vegan Power after the first two years garnered so much interest. Each runner is assigned a number (1-12) which designates which legs they run. The first 6 runners pile in van #1, the last 6 pile in van #2 and once the first runner starts the race is non stop. Someone from your team is running until the race is over. Meaning we run through the night and get very little downtime. I was runner number 3 in my van, so I ran legs 3, 15 and 27. Not all legs are equal distance or difficulty. My legs were 6.3, 4.0 and 9.4 miles, respectively, for a total of 19.7 miles in less than two days.

The aim of running as a team of vegan runners wasn't just to have fun. We organized this to benefit Tamerlaine Farm; an animal sanctuary run by one of the team members. Tamerlaine has rescued dozen of chickens from a Kaparot ceremony (a ceremony in certain Jewish communities where chickens are waved in the air and then slaughtered brutally, this is for some reason still totally legal in NYC), factory farms and school hatching projects. Recently they just welcomed two pigs to their farm and continue to expand. Our team shirts boldly stated "FOR THE ANIMALS" on the back and "VEGAN POWER" on the front. People immediately knew who we were and what we stood for. As someone who has not ever participated in any sort of activism this was thrilling to be a part of.

I was on Team C, van 1 and we started around 8:45 am Friday. I was excited and nervous for the race to start. I knew I could run all those distances, but I'd never done so much consecutively. But excitement really prevailed as there were so many people to meet and stories to share. My van was full of amazing people doing such diverse things. A musician, a nurse, a personal trainer, the owner of Strong Hearts Cafe, the director of the podcast Our Hen House..... seriously amazing people. I was so impressed with how we all have approached veganism in different ways, but shared the same message.

Our run kicked off with Carrie, a personal trainer who had such great enthusiasm and positivity, and happened to be celebrating her birthday. We quickly hoped in the van and drove to the first exchange ahead of her to prepare our second runner. Carrie came in strong and we sent of Michael and headed to the next exchange. Which meant I was up next! Michael's first leg was a shorter one so I didn't have too much time to get nervous, but I did anxiously bounce around at the exchange waiting for him to come in. When he did we had what I would say was the 'perfect slap' (the baton in this was a slap bracelet, a dangerous dangerous slap bracelet) and I was off. I had just over a 10K to cover. It was maybe around 10 am at this time and it was sunny and warm. I felt really strong for the first half of this run that took me along some suburban streets. Eventually the hills started to take a toll on me and I found I slowed down but finished with an over all pace of 8:45/mi for the 6.3. My leg finished on a steep downhill and I passed the slap bracelet to Joel. Ok, first leg done. I was happy to have it out of the way. That last 9.4 mile leg kept jumping to my mind. "Can I do that?" "How can I do that after running all this!?" "I'll be fine." "When will I sleep?"

I caught my breath, jumped back in the van and got interviewed by Jasmin of Our Hen House for their weekly podcast about my experience being a vegan scientist. I'll put the link below - I don't sound too rambly thank god! There is something about living in close quarters with people that turn you into instant family. I was constantly laughing in my van, even when I thought I might pass out from lack of sleep. Our next exchanges went smoothly - much due to the excellent navigation of our driver Molly who always kept her cool. We were never late to an exchange once! When our 6th runner passed off the bracelet to runner 7 (the first runner of van 2) we finally had a good 4 hour break before we needed to start our second legs.

We found a great park on the route and had a picnic lunch. Joel, being a restaurant owner, provided us with a complete gourmet spread of vegan sandwiches and snacks. I had NO complaints about my van placement. Ha. After replenishing calories we all spread out languidly in the park, taking naps, observing wild turkeys, stealing toilet paper from the park bathroom (desperate times people)...Jasmin conducted a few more interviews and I tried to take a small nap in the van. Not too successful.

Before we knew it, it was time for us to start our second leg. We headed over the the exchange point where van 2 would finish and Carrie would start again. By now the sun was going down and we were required to put on all our safety gear. Headlamps, reflective vests, blinkers. It also became surprisingly breezy and cold at this point and I cursed myself for not bringing any sort of blanket or pants. I think it was about this point that I started to get nervous about continuing to run and it being cold. I also felt nervous to run in the dark, even with all the precautions. I am not sure why my anxiety started to get so high at this point - I'll say it was probably due to the accumulating fatigue.

It was dark at this point (maybe around 8 or 9 pm) and I was just not sure of my abilities. Once Michael came in to the exchange and gave me the bracelet I took off with a vengeance. Half to get it over with, half to warm up my body. I knew this leg should be easy. It was 4 miles pretty much all downhill. I told myself to just run it as fast I could so I could try to get some sleep right away. Most of this run was on sidewalks so I really didn't have much to worry about but there were some very dark turns where I would hold up my blinky protectively for cars. This leg was probably the best leg for me since the chill in the air was actually great once I got going. I finished it up with about a 8:40 pace and handed off to Joel again.

Here is really where I think delusion sets in. I think I mostly stayed in the van through the next few exchanges since in my mind I figured any second possible I should try to be sleeping. I didn't know how I was going to run 9.4 miles with little to no sleep in between. How do people do this race?! How do people do ultras?! I don't really recall getting any actual sleep at this point since we were still very on the move. Once our last runner came in for the second time we had a moment to relax. Since it was Carrie's birthday we had a mini celebration with cupcakes from Strong Hearts. I don't think a cupcake has ever tasted so good to me. The sugar was all my body wanted at that point. Pure energy, nothing hard to digest. I then conked out in the backseat of the van for what I guess was 2.5 hours before I had to prepare for my last leg.

Starting my last leg around 5:30 am. Photo cred: Jasmin Singer

I was SO nervous at this point. I felt spent but I had my longest leg to go. I hadn't really eaten much other than cupcakes and lunch seemed so far away. It was still cold out and I couldn't remember that I would warm up while running. I just knew I was cold then and I didn't like it. The sun rose just before I started off my last leg so I was mostly running through the hazy morning air. Michael came into the exchange still looking strong, maybe fatigued, and handed me the bracelet. I took off at a much more reserved pace than my other legs. I knew this leg was just about staying upright. I needed to keep my pace easy and consistent to finish it at all. The cold wind slapped me awake before I knew what was happening and I actually enjoyed those first quiet 3 miles a lot. Pace maintained around 9:05-9:10 and I got to take in some really scenic views of Cape Cod houses and the coast. I slowly passed people - which gave me confidence that I could endure this leg. But then of course; hills. What looked like nothing on the elevation chart proved to be constant undulating hills through these sleepy streets. My next two miles were much slower, but still I felt I had energy in the tank. Once I hit mile 6 and turned onto a paved running path I started to really start feeling fatigue. My left knee started to feel a little too much and it worsened with every step. I knew my form was suffering as I got more and more tired, but I had to keep pushing.

At 1.7 from the finish I was dragging. I had NO more energy in my legs. I couldn't make them turn over any faster. My knee was wobbling. I had given my team estimated pacing of 9-9:30/mi pace. I knew I was well off that now and they were probably wondering where I was. I tried to muster any last reserves here, but it really didn't help that these last two miles were a gradual incline. I tried to pace with an older man that was still trucking but I couldn't keep up. This is what it must feel like to run a marathon or an ultra. Complete energy depletion. In hindsight I should have absolutely taken a gel or calories of some sort with me. I was a good 10-15 minutes off pace at this point so I texted my team to let them know I was having some issues but I was close. Joel, the runner after me, immediately ran out to me with water. He met me at about 0.7 miles to go, and took off on his now extended last leg. I never intended to make him run extra, but from what Jasmin tells me he didn't even hesitate. This is what I mean with my van became family. I shuffled into to exchange point to my teammates and collapsed into the van. I was done. Done running. Such a bittersweet end.

I refueled and started feeling back to normal relatively quickly. It was really just my body saying "No more. We're tired." Our van finished up the final handoff to van 2 and we were DONE! We were now free to head to the finish line and meet up with other team members, some of whom had already finished the whole race. Our Team A was purposefully organized to include the fastest runners so it was more competitive (naturally Scott was on this one) and they ended up coming in third place OVERALL and first in their division. There were over 500 teams and they came in THIRD. Our B team came in a few hours later and our C team (my team) about 1.5 after them. When our last runner crested the hill to the finish and all 40+ of us slowly joined her, until it was a massive mob of vegans. I couldn't have felt more love or pride over my new group of friends. We were so supportive and positive for one another.

And then, the aftermath. So I mentioned before this was the most I'd ever run at one time. It was a new experience for me to feel complete shutdown of my body. Not to mention after effects. I winced every time I got into a car or use stairs. My knee had to be treated with care. But the worst for me was dehydration. When we finally got back to our hotel room I had a massive headache almost to the point of tears (I told you this kind of made me delusional) and could barely eat dinner. All I wanted was a shower and bed. We all fell asleep by 9 pm.

Once those basic needs were met (food, water, sleep, shower) I rejoined the human race. We met up with a group of teammates the following morning for amazing vegan breakfast in Boston and by sheer coincidence - I saw my mom on Mother's day! She happened to be in New Hampshire, a 1 hour drive from Boston that weekend, so I was able to have a brief visit with her and my grandparents.

Last weekend was epic in all meanings of the word. I would do it again in a heartbeat and wish I had more reasons to hang out with this amazing group of people.

Just about everyone before the start. Photo cred: who knows!

Click here to hear my lil' interview on Our Hen House: Episode 279: “Organize, agitate, educate, must be our war cry.”

Race Recap: DINO Series 5k, Town Run Trail Run

Last weekend was another race in the DINO series. We missed the second race at Eagle creek; instead we headed down to brown county for those trails and delicious vegan food. This race was at Town Run - a place I would never know existed were it not for this race. The entrance to the park is an unmarked dirt road turn-off from a busy road filled with big box stores and shopping malls. I was so surprised this was here right under my nose.

Naturally, there was rain the previous night and light drizzle as we got there so the trails were pretty muddy and slick. A considerable improvement over the first race, but as you can see above; still required some caution. The 15K went off first, and then the 5K ten minutes later. Per usual I situated myself a little back from the start line as this was a single track course and I wanted to let as many fast people pass as possible.

The course was really fun; lots of gentle undulating hills and no gnarly roots to worry about. I felt really good for the entire race. Going up hills I felt strong and down I felt like I was about ready to fly. The first mile I spent a lot of time carefully passing people but I finally seemed to find a place that put me mostly by myself. For the entire last half of the race I was coming up on a 9-year old boy who would intermittently sprint and walk. When he'd hear my steps getting close he'd sprint away, then tire a little. I eventually caught him and told him "you're making me work hard! good job." The final stretch of the course snaked up a hill and then popped out of the woods - where the same boy out sprinted me in chute. You win some you lose some. Final time: 29.14. Thank goodness it was under 30 minutes.

I waited around for Scott to finish the 15K where he came in 4th I believe. Once he stopped we quickly realized his knee was bleeding a lot from what he said was a total wipe out. He had mud on his eyelids.

Once the results were posted we found we both came in first place in our age groups, and I was 8th in the women's race. And I set another new trail PR! We spent the rest of the day painting our bedroom and devouring Thai food.

This weekend we are going to spectate the Mini like we did last year and next week is Ragnar!! I can't wait to meet everyone and have a great time running and eating. If you want more info of what a Ragnar is, and why 36 vegans are running it check out our website here: http://strongheartsveganpower.com/

To the front!

Ignorance is bliss

In February I threw away my scale. Before that I weighed myself every morning and agonized over tiny fluctuations. I let those numbers dictate my mood and what I thought of myself. Since I am trying to be more proactive about things that cause my anxiety, I decided the best way to stop worrying about my weight was to not know my weight. I ceremoniously deposited the scale in our garbage can on a Sunday and sighed a nervous breath when the trash was picked up that Monday.

At first I kind of panicked. Not knowing the number actually increased my anxiety. I worried about suddenly gaining even though I've been extremely consistent for most of my adult life. But eventually I began to forget about it. My clothes were fitting just as they always did. I was feeling less guilt over eating certain things. I was not trying to estimate calories in my head. I was able to almost completely disassociate from that number. It was liberating.

So now it's been two months I've gone without knowing my weight. Today I was at the YMCA to run on the treadmills and they have a scale in the locker room. Admittedly I immediately felt relief. Relief that I could finally weigh myself again, to see just how far off track I was and where I needed to be, to have the data, to be in control.

And I weighed myself. I was the same weight I've pretty much always been. Thoughts jumped into my head right away that I used to hear all the time. "Ok, that is fine but it could be better." Or "It's not the lowest I've ever been." This time however, those thoughts were fleeting. Almost a haze I could waft away with a wave of my hand. I got on the treadmill, had a good run and mostly forgot all about it.

That response is STARKLY different than my old response. That number would flash above my head for the rest of the day like a neon sign. I might forgo a snack I would have otherwise eaten. I would anxiously await the next morning, where I could do this ritual all over again and maybe have a better outcome. But now I've realized that knowing vs. not knowing doesn't change anything. I do not weigh significantly less when I weigh myself daily. People do not like me more. I do however, experience a lot more stress, negative body image, and anxiety. People probably like me less since I am an unconfident moody mess.

I personally don't give a shit what anyone else weighs. So why must I put that pressure on myself? I plan to continue my life without a scale. It really frees my mind up to focus on a lot more important things; like what new projects Scott and I are going to do this weekend, or what book I will read next, or how should I go about my first sewing project.

I am so much more than my weight.

Re-cycle, up-cycle, spring-cycle

I am currently laying in bed with and all three of the kitties, enjoying coffee and slow Saturday mornings. The cats are thrilled with the change of season and have been spending as much time as they can watching the rain from the windowsills or following the birds. I also have been reveling in this weather and returned to running on the Monon after work (with about everyone else in Indianapolis), or heading down to Brown County with Scott to enjoy muddy trails. My relationship with running is going really well now. Since I've kind of stopped letting it define me and my worth, I've been experiencing a lot less anxiety about it. I also have a lot less to say about it (or blog about it) now since I am just running for enjoyment. Apologies if you came for the running talk!

Yesterday we got a dirt (ahem, "soil") delivery for the garden. It's coming along nicely! Again, all this work was done by Scott. Next to plant the seeds!

In other sustainable living practices, my sewing class wrapped up and I am completely hooked now. I made three items in the class; a pillow case, an apron and a tote bag. The woman teaching the class was fantastic, she really had so much knowledge about sewing and was incredibly patient with a total novice like me. Scott's mother generously lent me her sewing machine and I've been messing around with it in my down time by making small stuffed animals for a few friends that have new babies. So far the babies approve.

     

I'm really itching to start making clothing, but I haven't settled on where to start at all. I'm considering buying my own machine with more garment appropriate features. Speaking of garments... today is another excuse for Sartorial Saturday! Though to be honest I think I wore this Tuesday. If you knew how many pictures I had to make Scott take to get this one good one....

With the exception of the shoes I can say this entire outfit was second hand! I didn't even realize that when I put it together. The top is a thrifted Gap shirt, the skirt thrifted Target, the sweater is a thrifted Loft cardigan. And to continue with this theme, today I am hosting a "Clothing Exchange" with some friends. More upcycling! 

Sartorial Saturday

Spring has FINALLY arrived in the midwest. We're seeing temperatures in the 50's - which really makes for much more enjoyable running. I am able to wear capris again! In an hour or so I'm leaving for our group run on the canal towpath.

So, a bit off topic - but I've started my beginners sewing class and I am completely in love. I am the only person in the class so I am basically getting private lessons. The class focuses on three projects; a pillow case, an apron and a tote bag. They all include a few extra features like a french seam, installing a zipper, edge-stitching.... so I am getting a really comprehensive introduction to sewing. I am starting to look into buying a machine for myself and hopefully continue this hobby! This is really making me pay more attention to clothes in general - now I examine all my shirts to understand their construction and fit. It also really helps me be more objective about my body; realizing that no two figures are the same and the likelihood of clothes fitting perfectly off the rack is very low. For instance - I have broad shoulders, which makes some shirts feel tight across the upper back, but not tight elsewhere. And I'm pretty tall (5'8") so finding pants with a long enough inseam is sometimes a challenge.

I've been spending a lot of time lately browsing sewing/personal style blogs and I think that is something I'd like to include more here on my blog. Who knows, maybe I'll one day be able to show off something I've made for myself.

Yesterday we went out to dinner with friends to an Ethiopian restaurant - seriously some of the best food in the world. Before we left I made Scott take pictures of my outfit. We're going to have to streamline this modeling process. He mostly just takes rapid-fire pictures with my iPhone while I awkwardly shift around. Evidence below.

Such fashion.

Next I'll be gracing the pages of Vogue.

Doh!

These jeans I found two weeks ago at a Carmel re-sale boutique. They are Marc Jacobs!!! And ridiculously long!!! I couldn't believe my luck. Shirt from my mom from the Gap (thanks!), bag from Out of Print, flats from Target, and earrings from a local handmade shop. 

Hope you enjoyed this Sartorial Saturday post!

Race Recap: DINO Series 5k, Mounds State Park

I mentioned months ago that I signed up for the entire DINO (Do INdiana Outdoors) 15K trail series. Due to the severe norovirus I got 3 weeks ago, I made the wise decision to drop down to the 5K. I am STILL not completely over this bug; major symptoms yes, but my digestive system is totally out of whack. So bad that I haven't been able to run really at all. I can barely go grocery shopping with out needing to run to the bathroom so running was pretty much out of the question. But thankfully I am recovered enough now to run, but I was so glad I dropped down to the 5K.

Recent snow melt and rain meant for an extremely muddy course for the day, but it's trail running. That's part of the package. My goals for this race were to complete it with out needing to stop for a bathroom break. Nothing more. I know that my body is kind of weak right now, my weight is probably down (but I don't know because I threw away my scale, hurrah!) and my endurance is crap.

Report wise, I don't really have much. It was muddy, and slow and full of stairs. I definitely need to work on strength/hills to really improve my trail run times. But overall it was a fun race, I finished in a not too embarrassing position (2nd in my age group FTW) and had fun spectating Scott in the 15K.

Scott finished 4th in the 15K! And we both got age group awards annnnnd discounts to Runner's Forum. Mostly I am just happy to be able to run again!

Will update later with my time, but from my watch it looked to be around 32:xx. Meh.

Update: 32:02.6 final. Still Meh! But technically a new trail 5K PR. 

Awesome women for a snowy day

I've been dealing with norovirus this week so my physical activity has dropped to zero. I only started really eating solid food on Friday and am still not feeling 100% - so since I've no new musings on running or yoga lately I'll be doing something different.

I've found that one of the best ways to cope with a difficult situation or find motivation is to share your experiences. Every time I've shared something I've been embarrassed about or struggled with - I usually find I get responses from people are "Me too!!!" No one else has their shit together either, we're all just fumbling through this and doing our best. So today I am going to share with you some of my favorite resources and women that have made me laugh, made me feel less alone or made me think "I can do this!"

1. Anna Akana

I stumbled across her YouTube channel when I had just moved into my apartment post-divorce. I had no friends in Kansas and worked alone so needless to say I was lonely. I think I googled something like "how to be alone" and up came one of her videos. Not only is she hilarious and genuine, but she also struggles with anxiety and confidence but is constantly working on herself. In the last year she's gotten even more into film making so you can always expect a quality video that will make you laugh. Oh, and she's a total cat lady.

2. ALBinWonderland

ALB is pretty 'internet famous' from my understanding. She has a popular YouTube and tumblr (which is where I came across her) and she is a great voice for modern feminism. She is also down to earth, and shares stories of falling on the treadmill, dealing with cat calling, depression and developing self-love. I also really respect her approach that "femme isn't anti-feminine" and you can be any type of woman you like and still be a feminist. 

3. Chloe Dykstra

Chloe is again, another YouTuber, and big in gamer/cosplay culture. Now I don't play many video games so most of that is lost of me, but she does has some great personal videos about dealing with insecurities. 

4. Lagusta Yearwood

Lagusta owns an AMAZING gourmet chocolate shop in New Paltz, NY. I learned of her through a bunch of our NY vegan friends who introduced Scott and I to her chocolates. Hands down, the BEST vegan chocolate out there. It's beautifully hand crafted and no detail is lost on her. All aspects of her business are as sustainable as possible (compostable ribbons, socialist sliding soup scale days, policy of not fraternizing with shitty companies cough *UO* cough). Her personal blog is a fantastic window into being a feminist, anarchist, chocolatier in this complicated modern day and age. I very much admire her quest to avoid sweat-shop clothing as much as possible and to do it with style. No seriously, it's great. Just browse her instagram here.

Photo by Deena Feinberg for The Hairpin

5. Herself

I only came across this website yesterday but it really was a great read. Called Herself, the site features nude images of women of all types and is accompanied by a very personal interview with the women. Jezebel describes here,

The women of Herself are always photographed naked, by a female photographer, with the intention of flipping the script on what it means to have nude photos on the internet. What happens when the woman depicted is subject and rather than object? What happens when she's exposing herself by choice, and without the intention of titillation? What happens when she is in control of her own image?

I saw this really as a great display of body-positivity, though it encompasses so much more. Needless to say that website contains nudity, so you've been warned.

So! There's something for you to browse if you are stuck inside like us on this snowy Sunday.

More pictures!

For some reason I have been compelled to take pictures of things (and not just for instagram) for this blog. No reason, just you know.... content.

Yesterday we kicked off Valentine's day with a run at Brown County State Park. We got there right around 8 am. It was chilly and windy which I think was why the park was DESERTED. We had it almost all to ourselves.



I ran for about 1hr 10 minutes (6.5 miles? 6 miles?) and Scott put in his 16 mile long run. This run showed me that I am completely out of trail shape, but it was enjoyable none the less.



The solitude of an enormous park like this really highlights how absurd urban life is most of the time. I've been reading Walden lately - so I couldn't help but feel kindred with Thoreau and his quest to return to nature.

After the run we headed into Bloomington, per usual, to pick up all the best vegan baked goods this college town has to offer. Once back in Indy we spent the rest of the day in bed watching TV. Wild right!? We both agree that we want nothing more from our weekends - a hard effort of running in the morning, refueling with something delicious, and then returning to sweatpants and cats.

We did go out for Valentine's Day, our friend that owns an all vegan restaurant was putting on a 4-course dinner and gifted us tickets. Needless to say it was amazing. Roasted butternut squash canapés amuse bouche, arugula salad with cherry chutney and smoked coconut, seitan steak!, and an absolutely decadent brownie for desert. It. was. amazing.

And since that wasn't enough, we returned home (back to pajamas and bed) and ate artesian vegan chocolates from Lagusta's Luscious.



So I'm feeling sufficiently spoiled right now and can't say I'd want my life to be any other way. Maybe more cats.

Going ons in the little white house

Life lately in the little white house is good. I've been happy to be away from facebook and instagram (for almost one whole week, gasp!) - it's been a really nice way to quiet all the 'noise'. Even if most people do so in jest, there is a lot of negativity and complaining happening online.

In lieu of carving out a life that is separate from what dominant culture dictates, Scott and I have been implementing more self-sustainable practices into daily life. For me this has been focusing on the difference between 'want' and 'need', particularly when it comes to clothes. Excess in our culture is so apparent in our attitude towards clothing. I know personally I've almost come to treat things as 'disposable' after a year of wear, what with the constantly changing trends and decline in garment quality. Though I've always donated my unwanted clothing to places like Goodwill, it really doesn't sit well with me - the constant turnover, constant purchasing...not to mention that they come from sweatshops. So I've resolved to shop thrift or consignment as much as possible. This is already working in my favor - I found a bunch of great things for incredibly cheap at the first shop I went to. I'm also really set on taking up sewing...

Scott has taken to turning our backyard into a vegetable garden. I can take no credit for this as I've only watched him work out in the cold from the comforts of the house. I have been putting all my banana peels in the compost... that counts right?

I picked up a new pair of running shoes yesterday (I realize that this completely contradicts what I am trying to do in the previous paragraphs - I am a hypocrite, yes) and I am in love. They are NOT neon. Who knew you could find that. Oh and they feel great, but I haven't had a proper run in them yet. I was actually disappointed in the Kinvaras I just wore out - they fit great, but the durability of them was pretty poor. I went with Adidas Adios Boosts. And they were on sale.

Tomorrow we head down to Brown County for some trail running, good thing since my trail series starts in one month! We also get to celebrate Valentine's Day with a fancy four course vegan dinner our friend's restaurant is putting on. No complaints here.

Now I'm off to curl up in bed with the cats and watch The Fall on netflix as this week has been ridiculously busy at work and I can't wait to turn off my brain.

Vacuum State

In the past few weeks I've had good conversations with various female friends on the pressures society places on women. We shared similar experiences of overwhelming stress from expectations and conventions bombarded at us through every media possible. I am finding that it is more rare to encounter a woman that hasn't experienced anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia, jealousy and disordered eating patterns. Is that just what we've come to accept as normal?!

It makes me furious. The women I hear this from are intelligent, interesting, unique, creative and diverse. Oh, and they're beautiful too. But fuck that. Fuck that women have to be beautiful before all of those things. Fuck that '20 beautiful women' project on instagram. Fuck that 'love your body' campaign. I am so tired of women being reduced to their appearance in any regard. I'm tired of looking at (non-vanity) selfies where the comments are filled with "so hot", "such a babe" and "you're so beautiful" nonsense. As if that is now the new way to promote self-esteem. How about we don't tie our worth to appearance at all?

You probably realize that I am yelling this at myself, right?

It's easy to observe and criticize societal norms, but actually existing outside of them is something I have yet to achieve. So for the time being I've put an embargo on social media. I realize it's impossible to live in a vacuum - but I am going to try my hardest to develop an identity for myself that is without external influences. Really look deep inside and listen to myself about what I want (I hope that isn't some new age-y form of spirituality). And ultimately mold that into confidence where I can see other people doing their own thing and go "ok, cool. not a threat."

This lack of social media may lead to more angry blogging. You've been warned.

PS - where can I get this sweatshirt seen on Carrie Brownstein at the first show of the SK tour?!

Life through the lens of cancer

Though I never set out with a concrete idea of what this blog would be about, I've mainly only discussed my running. But I realized there is a big part of my life that I've (not necessarily on purpose) never discussed. Mostly I felt that some of the experiences were not mine to share*, but after encouragement from Scott, I've decided to share away.

So, how to begin? Ahem.

I’m in a relationship with someone with an incurable** form of cancer. As frightening as that sounds, the cancer has never seemed incredibly dire or life threatening (Scott can attest to that). However we've learned in retrospect that it was incredibly dire and life threatening, which makes me shudder to think about. But right now Scott is stable. His cancer isn't growing. He isn't ‘suffering’ from cancer per se. He does still experience side effects of the chemotherapy he was on for over a year, but he can carry on with daily life mostly unimpeded. He runs 7 days a week, leads a vegan straight-edge life and is (aside from the cancer) ridiculously healthy. So healthy that we often forget about it.

But no, not really. We never forget about it. It’s always there, looming in our conversations about the future and about his son and about us. Scott, always a realist, jokes about his cancer frequently. “I won’t live that long!” he says when I say I hope we’re weird old folks. Usually these comments bring me down. But of course I think about them too. I’m only 27, I've already been married once, and currently I’m on no trajectory to have children. Am I just going to be alone when I’m old and grey?

Before I get to my thoughts on that let me start from the beginning. I first met learned of Scott through his blog. I’d been a vegetarian and a runner for years so naturally his blog was something I came across. I have read it intermittently since around 2010 and I attribute one of his posts to really bolstering my choice to go vegan. When I moved to Kansas after getting married in 2012 I submerged myself in the world of blogs and social media. I was so incredibly alone and isolated then – blogs were such a refuge for me. I had also at this point, started and then quit my job working in a lab doing rodent research, read Scott Jurek's book and gone vegan for month stretches. I became even more interested in Scott’s blog and his passion for veganism and radical politics.

I remember catching myself up on his blog after I’d missed a few posts and saw that he’d just been diagnosed with cancer. It was surprising and saddening to me – but ultimately he was a stranger. I still felt connected to him as anyone who has read his blog for years can say. Scott writes with so much emotion and eloquence that it’s hard not to feel like you know him a bit. I sent him a card towards a donation fund a friend had set up and remember getting excited when I got a hand written thank you note in return.

But wait, hold on. Wasn't I married at this point?

My personal life at this point and time – about 6 months into my marriage - was spiraling. I don’t really want to revisit the details, but let’s just say my ex was not a positive influence on my self-esteem. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time. I had just completely up-heaved my life for him (switched from a PhD to a MS degree and moved away from my family and friends to a town where I knew no one) so I was FREAKING OUT at the idea that it was going to fall apart. I didn't know what I would do if that happened. So I basically was trying everything I could to keep it together, all the while not admitting to myself that I wasn't happy in the least. If anything, my desire to connect with Scott should have been an indicator that something was wrong in my marriage.

So yes, I was married. But aside from occasionally commenting on his blog, or liking his Instagram posts I wasn't really interacting with him. So I knew Scott had cancer, and had surgery and was basically not able to run for the time being. I followed his progress on his blog and Instagram and was happy to see him trying to return to his normal life. But his cancer was still at a distance. He seemed fine and active, but sometimes depressed about his situation.

My marriage ended in August and I completely shut down. I moved out, I deleted all of my social media accounts and holed myself up with Lily (my cat) in my nice new empty apartment. I barely reached out to friends, I tried to hide it from my parents and I didn't tell anyone at work for months. Looking back I can’t believe I dealt with divorce that way, I can’t believe I did it all almost entirely alone. It was a very bleak time in my life.

I slowly reconnected with the world and made a new Instagram account and connected with Scott again. I realized my interest in Scott wasn't just admiration from a far – I wanted to actually know him. After a cryptically flirtatious Instagram exchange, I sent him an email. I had no idea if he would even know who I was (I thought he was blog-famous, we laugh at this now) but he did and we immediately started talking. What started as a few timid text messages back and forth quickly jumped to daily phone calls and skype conversations. I don’t want to bore you with all the gooey details of our beginning relationship, but very early in our talks Scott emphasized to me that if I ever became too overwhelmed by his cancer situation I ‘had an out’.

Did I really asses what it meant to get into a relationship with someone whose health situation was unpredictable? Yes, I did – but the decision was easy. I knew that regardless of what ever happened to Scott, getting to know him would be worth it. And the decision was basically made before I could make it. I had feelings for him that I couldn't just ignore because they weren't convenient. The heart wants…..

Anyways, mushy-ness aside – being in a relationship with someone with cancer can be challenging. I never had a ‘before cancer’ Scott to compare to, cancer was always present in our dynamic, so that seems to make it…. more of a constant? But still, I hate seeing him go through pain and not being able to help. I hate seeing how chemo interrupts his beloved running. I hate worrying that he might die from it. I also have selfish moments of frustration when I realize we can’t plan much of our life out in advance. I feel jealous sometimes of people with a ‘normal’ life who are able to have families and life plans and expect to die of old age.

But I counter with asking if I would rather not have entered into this relationship. No, I would never give up meeting Scott, I would never give up meeting his son, I would never give up seeing him dance like David Brent, or watching TV in bed with him, or seeing him progress his running, or all our conversations about a meaningful life.

I will say, this cancer thing has put me through a lot of scary shit. I've never had a close family member have major surgery of any sort. Watching Scott wheel away to the OR last August was probably one of the hardest things I've ever experienced, and waiting to hear he made it out of surgery was possibly worse. And I know I have to go through all that again, the waiting, the ICU, seeing him in pain…. But it’s not hard. It’s just what you do when you love someone.

Our life is very normal on the day-to-day. Cancer isn't always rearing its head (though obviously I am speaking from my perspective. Scott’s daily experience with it is completely different needless to say. I try to be as empathetic as possible, but really I have no idea). And we’re incredibly lucky in that respect. I work in a breast cancer research lab and the stories my boss tells me are devastating. Scott’s cancer is slow growing and unlikely to metastasize. Many are not that lucky. So like anything else in life, we handle it day by day. And I know every day I made the right choice. 

I might not know what is in store for my future, but to shy away from it is akin to avoid cars because you might be in a car accident. Life is scary and dangerous and full of sadness. But if you try to avoid all of that, you miss all the good, funny and awe-inspiring experiences that make life anything worth living! So I choose to not worry too much about the dying part, life implies death anyways. Its a miracle (of science) that we're alive on this ridiculous planet in the first place. 

*With this being said - I really hope I don't come off all "this is how his cancer affects me, boo hoo". Cancer is not my reality, I don't want to pretend like it is. 

**technically it could be cured with surgery but like everything else, it's all chance and circumstance. 

Defining happiness

What do I want? For a question so simple I find I have an incredibly difficult time answering it. This past week I've tried to focus on happiness, and what that means to me. Does happiness mean achieving this 'perfect' image I have in my head of myself or living the life I want with out self-inflicted stress?

I'm finding it is somewhere in the middle of those two extremes. Perfection is an impossible and useless goal while the latter scenario can lead to complacency. I want to challenge myself, but I don't want to burden myself with the unattainable.

Ok - enough existentialism for one blog post. I don't want to get too serious. This week I ran, I did yoga, I did an art class, I did some tiny home improvements, I tried a new recipe. It was great. I pushed myself on Tuesday with a 7-mile run in the cold and dark, then I took it easy (relatively - ashtanga is not what I'd call easy) and did yoga Saturday morning. I had some company.

So my conclusion is that I have no conclusions, but things are going well.

Mind games

I go back and forth between wanting to share really personal things about my anxiety and inner struggles here - but ultimately I think it is both cathartic for me and possibly helpful to people that might experience similar things. This also serves as a way that I can chart progress as well as remember previous states to learn from. So. With that being said this week was weird. I'll start with the mileage...

Monday: 4.12 miles

Tuesday: 6 miles (2.5 WU, 10 X :30 on, :60 off, CD)

Wednesday: off

Thursday: off

Friday: 3.10 miles

Saturday: 4.54 miles

Sunday: 6.00 miles

Total miles run: 23.76

I'm finishing up a big project at work and ended up working more than I'd planned Wednesday and Thursday, and Saturday I had 9 miles on my plan but only made it 4.5. Not that I collapsed or anything, well, ok maybe mentally collapsed. I emotionally could not complete the run. Maybe it was compounded stress from trying to get things done at work or some critical thoughts I had the previous night, but I started feeling panicky 2 miles into my run, lost control of my breathing and heart rate and felt the overwhelming feeling that I was going to sob. It wasn't due to some thoughts I was dwelling on in my brain - more a wave of 'sickness' that overcame me out of nowhere. I tried to suppress it for a while and get my rhythm back but I couldn't. What I've come to conclude is it was a panic attack, which I hadn't experienced since last July. 

I ended up pulling off the trail and walking through some neighborhoods and embarrassingly - cried some. I felt incredibly ridiculous and weak. Eventually I collected myself and ran back to the car to wait for Scott, who instantly knew something was wrong as he never saw me again during his run. Once we were back at home I shut myself in the bedroom and cried for about 5 minutes. And then it was done. Out. Like a stomach virus that you need to vomit up. It's fucking weird. 

Sunday we met with the group run again where easily finished 6 miles, at just sub-9:00 pace, all while chatting with a friend. 

So.... begrudgingly, I admit that I still have some personal things to sort through. Or am sorting through. Things that are intrinsically tied to running and eating and image. How does one get out of their head?

Mini-training week 1

First week back to training was surprisingly smooth! I did start to feel fatigue set in mid-week but I seem to be recovering pretty well.

Monday: 3 miles

Tuesday: 5 miles (1 WU, 8:59, 8:40, 8:30, 1 CD)

Wednesday: 3 miles

Thursday: 3 miles

Friday: rest

Saturday: 8 miles (9:43/mile)

Sunday: 4.25 miles, 1 hr ashtanga

Total miles run: 26.25

My long run on Saturday was a bit slow - the first and last miles were covered in ice so I had to do a lot of careful picking as to not crack my head open. The middle miles I was more around a 9:15-9:20 pace which is just fine with me. Getting back to 'fitness' is kind of a new feeling for me, but I know I just need to keep up the routine and I'll be back to my pace. 

In unrelated news I bit the bullet and got a tattoo on Saturday. My first. I'd been thinking it over for about a year so I figured I was pretty committed. It was done by a friend of a friend up at a shop in Muncie and I am very pleased with the whole process. Nerves got the best of me when we arrived at the shop and I realized it was actually going to happen, not to mention the fact that I was electively doing something painful. And painful it was. But bearable - not sure how else to describe it. Brief seconds of pain while the line was drawn followed by an equally brief break from the pain. I got it on my ribs, which is apparently a notoriously sensitive spot so I guess it is downhill from there!

A mouse. Related to my time working in a lab that directly used animals for research and how that cemented my choice to go vegan. For all the mice and laboratory animals still in cages. For all the farm animals with no freedom and painful lives. For all the animals used as entertainment or clothing against their will. Go vegan. Stay vegan. 

Training update and recent revelations

I am FINALLY back to running. It seemed very touch and go there for a bit. I would run here and there, then get set back by a cold, then run again... then be stuck in bed...

And just as I was starting to get over the cold again I was struck down the day after returning from our Boston/NH New Year's trip. It probably didn't help that one day I ran in the slushy snowy rain around the city. I was basically bedridden for all of last week.

Anyways, with the assistance of doxycycline, I have prevailed! And just in time to kick off my 16-week training plan for the Mini-Marathon in May. The Mini is hailed as the nation's largest half-marathon (which may or may not be true) and is the culmination of the city's celebrations surrounding the Indy 500 race. I spectated it last year, and ran my first 10 miles in months if you remember, and am looking forward to racing it this year.

Official training began yesterday with 3 miles downtown from work. Scott advised me to start small since I'd been sick for so long - and that was fine with me. The mileage was fine, but the conditions were a mess. It was below freezing, ice was all over the sidewalks and the wind was raging. I took my 5 mile speed work to the treadmill today (1 mile WU, 9:00, 8:40, 8:30, 1 mile CD) and was pleased those were relatively comfortable miles.

Noticeably different to me was my experience on the treadmill. Not often am I running more than 4 miles indoors as that is about as long as I can keep my attention. But today I went in with the mindset of 'training' and the miles flew by. I was there to work. Not to work out. Not to keep a new year's resolution. Not to read a magazine and fuck around on the elliptical. Having one successful 'training period' under my belt has really bolstered my confidence. I've chosen a more intense training plan this go (volume-wise) but I don't have any of the fears I did last time. Mostly I'm just excited to see where I can go from here.

Another realization I came to was how different my attitude has been lately concerning my appearance. I've been reading Derek Jensen's The Culture of Make Believe and it really is putting dominant culture into perspective for me. It is much easier for me to reject beauty standards once I realize that they're a tool to keep us as insecure needy consumers. And are a means to further oppress women, to limit our role to being pretty objects for men. I felt empowered on the treadmill knowing I wasn't running to 'look good' or 'burn calories'. I was there to fucking run.

(Might've helped that I was listening to Sleater Kinney).

Oh! And I signed up for the ENTIRE Dino trail series. That is pretty much a trail 15K once a month starting in March. So yeah, 2015 is looking good!