Mind games

I go back and forth between wanting to share really personal things about my anxiety and inner struggles here - but ultimately I think it is both cathartic for me and possibly helpful to people that might experience similar things. This also serves as a way that I can chart progress as well as remember previous states to learn from. So. With that being said this week was weird. I'll start with the mileage...

Monday: 4.12 miles

Tuesday: 6 miles (2.5 WU, 10 X :30 on, :60 off, CD)

Wednesday: off

Thursday: off

Friday: 3.10 miles

Saturday: 4.54 miles

Sunday: 6.00 miles

Total miles run: 23.76

I'm finishing up a big project at work and ended up working more than I'd planned Wednesday and Thursday, and Saturday I had 9 miles on my plan but only made it 4.5. Not that I collapsed or anything, well, ok maybe mentally collapsed. I emotionally could not complete the run. Maybe it was compounded stress from trying to get things done at work or some critical thoughts I had the previous night, but I started feeling panicky 2 miles into my run, lost control of my breathing and heart rate and felt the overwhelming feeling that I was going to sob. It wasn't due to some thoughts I was dwelling on in my brain - more a wave of 'sickness' that overcame me out of nowhere. I tried to suppress it for a while and get my rhythm back but I couldn't. What I've come to conclude is it was a panic attack, which I hadn't experienced since last July. 

I ended up pulling off the trail and walking through some neighborhoods and embarrassingly - cried some. I felt incredibly ridiculous and weak. Eventually I collected myself and ran back to the car to wait for Scott, who instantly knew something was wrong as he never saw me again during his run. Once we were back at home I shut myself in the bedroom and cried for about 5 minutes. And then it was done. Out. Like a stomach virus that you need to vomit up. It's fucking weird. 

Sunday we met with the group run again where easily finished 6 miles, at just sub-9:00 pace, all while chatting with a friend. 

So.... begrudgingly, I admit that I still have some personal things to sort through. Or am sorting through. Things that are intrinsically tied to running and eating and image. How does one get out of their head?

Mini-training week 1

First week back to training was surprisingly smooth! I did start to feel fatigue set in mid-week but I seem to be recovering pretty well.

Monday: 3 miles

Tuesday: 5 miles (1 WU, 8:59, 8:40, 8:30, 1 CD)

Wednesday: 3 miles

Thursday: 3 miles

Friday: rest

Saturday: 8 miles (9:43/mile)

Sunday: 4.25 miles, 1 hr ashtanga

Total miles run: 26.25

My long run on Saturday was a bit slow - the first and last miles were covered in ice so I had to do a lot of careful picking as to not crack my head open. The middle miles I was more around a 9:15-9:20 pace which is just fine with me. Getting back to 'fitness' is kind of a new feeling for me, but I know I just need to keep up the routine and I'll be back to my pace. 

In unrelated news I bit the bullet and got a tattoo on Saturday. My first. I'd been thinking it over for about a year so I figured I was pretty committed. It was done by a friend of a friend up at a shop in Muncie and I am very pleased with the whole process. Nerves got the best of me when we arrived at the shop and I realized it was actually going to happen, not to mention the fact that I was electively doing something painful. And painful it was. But bearable - not sure how else to describe it. Brief seconds of pain while the line was drawn followed by an equally brief break from the pain. I got it on my ribs, which is apparently a notoriously sensitive spot so I guess it is downhill from there!

A mouse. Related to my time working in a lab that directly used animals for research and how that cemented my choice to go vegan. For all the mice and laboratory animals still in cages. For all the farm animals with no freedom and painful lives. For all the animals used as entertainment or clothing against their will. Go vegan. Stay vegan. 

Training update and recent revelations

I am FINALLY back to running. It seemed very touch and go there for a bit. I would run here and there, then get set back by a cold, then run again... then be stuck in bed...

And just as I was starting to get over the cold again I was struck down the day after returning from our Boston/NH New Year's trip. It probably didn't help that one day I ran in the slushy snowy rain around the city. I was basically bedridden for all of last week.

Anyways, with the assistance of doxycycline, I have prevailed! And just in time to kick off my 16-week training plan for the Mini-Marathon in May. The Mini is hailed as the nation's largest half-marathon (which may or may not be true) and is the culmination of the city's celebrations surrounding the Indy 500 race. I spectated it last year, and ran my first 10 miles in months if you remember, and am looking forward to racing it this year.

Official training began yesterday with 3 miles downtown from work. Scott advised me to start small since I'd been sick for so long - and that was fine with me. The mileage was fine, but the conditions were a mess. It was below freezing, ice was all over the sidewalks and the wind was raging. I took my 5 mile speed work to the treadmill today (1 mile WU, 9:00, 8:40, 8:30, 1 mile CD) and was pleased those were relatively comfortable miles.

Noticeably different to me was my experience on the treadmill. Not often am I running more than 4 miles indoors as that is about as long as I can keep my attention. But today I went in with the mindset of 'training' and the miles flew by. I was there to work. Not to work out. Not to keep a new year's resolution. Not to read a magazine and fuck around on the elliptical. Having one successful 'training period' under my belt has really bolstered my confidence. I've chosen a more intense training plan this go (volume-wise) but I don't have any of the fears I did last time. Mostly I'm just excited to see where I can go from here.

Another realization I came to was how different my attitude has been lately concerning my appearance. I've been reading Derek Jensen's The Culture of Make Believe and it really is putting dominant culture into perspective for me. It is much easier for me to reject beauty standards once I realize that they're a tool to keep us as insecure needy consumers. And are a means to further oppress women, to limit our role to being pretty objects for men. I felt empowered on the treadmill knowing I wasn't running to 'look good' or 'burn calories'. I was there to fucking run.

(Might've helped that I was listening to Sleater Kinney).

Oh! And I signed up for the ENTIRE Dino trail series. That is pretty much a trail 15K once a month starting in March. So yeah, 2015 is looking good!

Race Recap: Pleasant Run Run

I've gotten so caught up in life and training that this recap is coming a little late - so I hope I can still remember some details.

Saturday Scott and I ran the Pleasant Run Run in Irvington, a really cute neighborhood a mile southeast of where we live. The weather was perfectly autumnal; high 40's, lots of leaves on the ground, clear skies. We got there early, picked up our race bibs and did a mile or so warm up around down town before heading over to the start line. My expectations for this race were to set a new PR (I knew I'd made speed gains since the 8K in the spring) but I didn't have anything specific in mind. I figured I'd run something below 8:30 pace.

Mile 1 - 7:56

In typical start-of-the-race fashion I went out the first mile pretty fast. They did a very poor job of setting mile markers so when we ran through the mark and heard "5:29!" everyone around me just laughed..... like, "uh... we definitely don't run ANYWHERE near those splits".

Mile 2 - 8:11

The course was a bit undulating so I felt that I lost a little speed going up some hills but overall nothing unbearable.

Mile 3 - 8:00

I did start to feel fatigued around this point. Keeping this pace was good for my 5K, but I still had 2 more miles to go. I went back and forth with a few people around me.

Mile 4 - 8:11

By this point my quads were getting tired of the gradual up-and-down of the course. I was mostly just trying to hold on.

Mile 5 - 8:05 

This mile felt LONG. Never ending. But of course it did. I really felt at my limit crossing the finish but I very quickly recovered my breath after walking for a minute or two. (Scott had finished about 10 minutes prior and ran back to give me some encouraging words in the last stretch - thanks!) 

Official Time - 40:14 (8:03 pace) 

So - another PR! Well ok, this is my first 5 mile race ever. But it beats my 8K from earlier this year by a few minutes so I can't complain! I did a slow run Sunday to loosen up my quads which were SORE and then Scott and I spent a few hours hiking around Brown County State Park. Naturally I was still sore Monday for another slow 4 miler and as much as I tried to take it easy Tuesday I ran 6 miles at 8:45 pace (on the treadmill). My legs still felt sore and dead yesterday so I decided that is IT until Saturday. 

Speaking of, the forecast for Saturday is clear, dry and COLD. Perfect running weather right? The jury is still out on what I will wear, I'm not sure if I'm tough enough to wear shorts in 30 degree weather. But until then it is rest, food, and (mind) relaxation. 

Mid-week update

A few things:

1) I changed my blog url and name. I just wasn't in love with the previous one, and yesterday I was browsing some recent genetics research when I came across this article. I couldn't get over the title and how those two words tied together. What better way to describe the ebb and flow of training and life? Ok I admit, I am a complete science dork. 

2) Part of me barely believes this since my garmin was acting a little wonky - but I ran 8 miles on Tuesday at 8:29 pace. WHAT. Is this what people talk about during tapers? It felt amazing, some of my miles I clocked at 8:15, 8:11.... It's like something in my body just... clicked. 

3) Now I am even more excited for the 5 mile race on Saturday. I don't have any specific goals for this but I am really curious as to what I can do. 

4) We saw Neil DeGrasse Tyson last night! It was pretty good, mostly an informal lecture with a lot of comedy infused in. I was kind of expecting something a little more technical.... maybe I am just used to the kinds of lectures I see in academic departments. But this was definitely for a more general audience. An 11 year old in a bowtie asked for advice on how to be a scientist one day which damn near broke my heart. I love getting kids excited about science. 

40 miles

I've done it, I've finished peak week - and it surprisingly wasn't as challenging as I anticipated. It's funny to look back and see the small increments that brought me to where I am now - my agony over a 4 mile run has transformed into finishing 14 miles and feeling pretty fucking awesome. So mileage for this week was....

Monday: Off
Tuesday: 10 miles
Wednesday: Off - vegan family dinner!! Casserole, pie, soy whip.
Thursday: 6 miles
Friday: 6 miles
Saturday: 14 miles
Sunday: 4 miles

Total miles run: 40

I haven't uploaded my runs from garmin yet, but I am pretty sure that my long run broke down to 9:00 pace. The goal I've been ruminating over in my head has been to run 13.1 in under 2 hrs. And Saturday I ran it in 1:58:xx.

So obviously I need a new goal. No, ok I am still going to be happy to just run under 2 hours. That's a HUGE improvement off my first half, something around the 2:17 (blah) mark. And that was basically shuffling/crying/crawling the last 3 miles. Mostly I am proud of myself to have done the training. That is way more meaningful to me than a fancy finish time.

So now we taper. I have a few more 8 mile runs, but nothing farther. Scott and I signed up for a 5 mile race this coming weekend, which will be a fun assessment of how much speed I've gained through training. I'm also going to spend these last two weeks really focusing on nutrition. Last week gave us little time to prepare sound lunches and I mostly foraged through the hospital. (aside - we've been watching the Walking Dead so everything is now seen in terms of the impending zombie apocalypse).

Oh, and Wednesday we are going to see NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON give a lecture. My nerdiness will not be contained.

3 weeks from Monumental

A quick recap on training this week - I am basically just putting my head down and powering through. Things are still going surprisingly well and I keep feeling amazed at how much I am enjoying this. Who knew running all the time is fun?

Monday: 5 miles
Tuesday: 9 miles
Wednesday: Ashtanga yoga
Thursday: off
Friday: 6 miles
Saturday: 8 miles
Sunday: 4 miles
Total: 32 miles

I didn't have a particularly long run this week, but the 9 miles on Tuesday was definitely a challenge. I for some reason started out really fast and got my heart rate up super high - to the point where I had to walk for a minute to calm down. I eventually settled down and finished all the miles but I probably had a look of desperation on my face the whole time. Saturday's run was the best of the week. I was able to keep ALL of the miles below 9:00, with two at 8:30 and an average of around 8:45. I can only hope to feel so good come race day.

Today we got up early to watch the Chicago Marathon and two (elite) friends run PRs. One just 13 seconds shy of an olympic trials qualifier... I can't believe the pace they keep. I'm already starting to think ahead to my next goal race after Monumental, part of me wants to sign right up for the Mini but I will most likely take a few weeks to decide what's next. I have to say though, I really am liking these long runs that no longer feel so long and 30 mile weeks. Who am I?!

Crisp fall air...

Things are still moving along. I have two more weeks until I officially start tapering. This week was confidence boosting for a few reasons. More of my weekly runs were 'long' runs which in my mind means things over 6 miles (though that is starting to evolve) and for the first time I did an afternoon run preceding a morning long run. I for some reason have it in my head that I don't do that and there's no way I could recover in that short of time.

Those two runs were surprisingly great. Friday I did 7.5 miles on the Monon Trail - it had rained all day and was promising to rain more but there was a small window of clear skies when I started. It did eventually rain on the trail, but not too hard. This weather meant that I was one of the few people out there (also that it was Friday afternoon/evening) which made for some really beautiful views of the changing leaves on the path. Towards the end of the run I caught up to a woman that was running a quick pace (8:30ish) and my ego got the best of me so I passed her and maintained a 8:10 pace. I also came across the Crossfit studio that is on the path doing about 100 m sprints. Again - I let my ego get the best of me and ran my last mile in 8:02. 

On Saturday I had my long run, 12 miles. The temperature had dropped, it was fucking windy and the sky was threatening to rain again. The first 1.5 miles it seemed crazy to me that I was going to run 12 miles in those conditions on legs that were still tired from the night before. But I surprised myself and kept a.. mostly constant pace for the whole run. I failed again to actually run 12 miles. The canal towpath is 5, so down and back is 10. Meaning I needed to run two more on the Monon Trail but I turned around too soon and only ran 11.5. Regardless, I definitely tapped in the deep fatigue of a long run.

(Mile 11 involved stopping at traffic lights).

On my way back down the towpath during this run I encountered what appeared to be a loosely organized color run. I avoided getting covered in dye thankfully.

This change in temperature has been really welcomed and only made me more excited about running. I hope it lasts for a few more weeks before we start getting forecasts for snow!

Chicago Birthday Weekend

This weekend we got out of Indianapolis and headed to Chicago to celebrate my birthday - 27! I love that such a big city is so close to home, there were so many nice places to check out (ie; vegan foooooood) and awesome sites to take in.

But first things first! I woke up very early Saturday to get in my 12 mile long run on the Canal Towpath. The first two miles were slow, around 9:35 pace!! I couldn't understand why I was dragging, so I considered those were 'warm up' miles and pushed it to 8:50-9:05 pace for the next 8 miles. I felt really good for these miles, but once I got into mile 10, I knew I'd maybe pushed too far. My plan was to run the last two miles as cool down - but I was so non-functioning that I had to cut it at 11 miles. But I still feel proud I could keep it just about below 9:00 for 8 miles!

After we arrived in Chicago we headed to the Lincoln Park Conservatory. It was full of so many amazing and diverse plant species.

   

We got lunch at the Chicago Diner - I don't think I've ever eaten a milkshake so fast in my life. I definitely paid for it after. Later we went to the Wormhole for vegan mochas and massive cookies.

On Sunday we ran on the Lakeshore path (along with about 10,000 other runners who were doing a 20 mile long run before the Chicago Marathon). Then headed to a boat tour of the downtown architecture.

   

And finished the trip up with a visit to Native Foods for THE BEST LUNCH EVER. Ugh. Plz come to Indy.

And! On top of all this, we found a copy of Carol Adams The Sexual Politics of Meat in a used bookstore that was signed. Quite a birthday weekend huh?

And just to tally up the week it was:

Monday: Off - had my eyes dilated at the eye doctor!
Tuesday: 5 miles
Wednesday: 4 miles
Thursday: 6 miles
Friday: Off
Saturday: 11 miles
Sunday: 4 miles

Total: 30 miles

6 weeks from Monumental

I'm now 6 weeks out from the Monumental Half so that puts me at about the half-way point in this whole training cycle. Things are starting to feel routine; like I've gotten into a rhythm of running and I'm feeling progress in my endurance. I still think I'm solidly in the 'base-building' stage of running (see this article in the Running Times) even though I am anxious to see improvements in speed.

Which is probably why in my run yesterday when I was feeling sluggish I felt the need to throw in speed work in the last two miles.



I also got a new Garmin this week. Hooray for birthday money! When I was setting this new watch up I opened my old database that had most of my runs from last year; my first year really 'committing' to running. Whoa. Ok. I've come pretty far.

Tomorrow Scott is taking me to Chicago for my birthday! (Which is actually on Monday, 27, gah!) I'm pretty excited to try all sorts of delicious vegan food and run on the lakeshore. But before we leave I will be running 12 miles on the towpath. Gotta get in that long run.

I'm starting to really enjoy being in training.

Week 9/1-9/7

This week was a lot like last week in both running quality and emotions. Still a little tightly wound, still logging lots of runs. But I am making progress on the first point, at least. I think. I have plans. 

Monday: 5 miles

Tuesday: 8 miles

Wednesday: off

Thursday: 5 miles (supposed to be 6)

Friday: off

Saturday: 10 miles (!)

Sunday: 3 miles

Total miles run: 31

So this is kind of a new milestone for me. 30 miles a week. I have been hovering around 25 miles a week for a good couple of months now so this really feels good. Saturday's run was my first double-digit run since probably last year and it felt really... solid. Not easy, not hard - just exactly how I wanted it to be. Other things about this week:

1. I've been paying less attention to pace lately and it's been easier on my mind. But most of these were anywhere from 8:30 to 9:20 pace. I think my whole 10 mile run averaged out to 9:18 pace. I feel pretty satisfied with that. 

2. On Thursday I had some motivational issues and skimped a bit on my milage. Not cool. 

3. I also feel like I could be eating more green things.

A dynamic equilibrium

My project at work is done, Scott is home from the hospital, and things with running are reaching an equilibrium. I'm now 1/3 of the way into my half-marathon training and I really am feeling much stronger and confident about it. This week I really committed to my training schedule after flaking a little the 2 weeks prior and it. feels. good. 

This week involved 7 miles on Tuesday, easy miles for the rest of the week, and 8 yesterday. I felt absolutely shot yesterday by the 3rd mile, I didn't know what was happening. Rethinking in my head, I concluded that my dinners this week have been mostly soup (excellent for Scott! maybe not enough for me) and that the fatigue I was feeling was due to under fueling. Or the humidity. Or just increase in mileage. Anyways, I was STRUGGLING, but I knew I had to do all 8 miles, so I just did all 8 miles. It felt like my legs were full of lead and anytime I had to stop at an intersection I feared I couldn't get going again. But I made it, and even might run some more today though I have nothing on my training plan. 

And a bit of an aside: I have about had it with my neighborhood running route. It is a nice enough route visually (plenty of trees and interesting houses to check out) but I tend to get yelled, whistled, 'complimented' way more frequently than in the middle class suburban areas of Indianapolis. Yesterday was so out of control that I almost reacted to the last person by throwing out my middle finger but I was too damn tired. In the course of my 8 miles I was 'hey beautiful' ed by one overweight man on his bike, honked at by two cars really close to me, told something possibly lewd by two teenage boys, leered at noticeably from two men in a service truck and to put the icing on the cake - ran past two men getting arrested. I have occasionally gotten shouts of encouragement - one memorable one from a woman on her porch to 'get it girl'. But yesterday it was all negative. I was feeling frustrated and unsafe yesterday. Gah. I think it takes nothing more than a ponytail and running shorts for some men to need to express gender domination. (I discussed this some with Scott, fuck the patriarchy). 

Anyways, I feel like I really have reached a dynamic equilibrium with my running. If some source of change is thrown into the reaction, I adapt and accommodate for the change to maintain my current steady state. See the scheduled miles, do the scheduled miles. 

As far as all the whining and crying I did in my last post... actually running makes me feel proud of myself. It makes me feel accomplished, in control and does a lot for my confidence. So I'm going to keep this ball rolling. And completing a week like this - with what I would call two 'long runs' - shows me I CAN do this. I can run that far. 

Confidence Building

I often let self doubt take over my mind with respect to running. It creeps in slowly during a difficult run, then festers in my mind until I'm about to throw in the towel completely and walk home. The distance seems too far, my pace seems too slow, the weather is working against me, my body doubles in size and so on. Unfortunately, this tendency of mine to see only the worst case scenario isn't exclusive to my running. Similar thought patterns emerge when I get stressed about work, relationships or my future. But... why do I jump to those possibilities? (Aside from that whole diagnosed anxiety issue). Couldn't I equally consider the best case scenarios? I admit, that seems like a reckless way to live. So how about the neutral scenarios? The logical and most likely scenarios.

And this week just gave me further evidence that it is this last scenario that will happen. During my speed workout Tuesday I swear I could feel the increased capacity of my lungs and the springy turnover of my legs. My 5 mile run around the canal on Thursday made me think surely that my new shoes were giving me super powers. And today, my first official long run of 8.25 miles, I felt stronger and quicker after I was 5 miles in. Scott isn't as surprised as I am when I come home triumphant. Having gone through multiple training cycles for half- and full marathons, he knows how this works. Put in the work, see the results.

So right now I am riding on what I think is actual confidence in my running. Fuck yeah.

With all this said, the next month is going to be an marathon, in and of itself. I have a big project at work that needs to be finished as quick as it can and on Monday Scott is admitted to the hospital for his second HIPEC surgery. He gave me strict instructions that I "better be in running clothes" when I come visit him each day, and I don't intend to let him down. Tomorrow is pretty much the last 'hurrah' before he is stopped in his tracks and we'll be spending it with friends and family at the More Fire run. The amount of people that didn't hesitate to jump in and donate time, funds, and items to his run makes me fall in love with Indy even more.

Don't forget to tag your running photos with #morefirerun on Instagram so Scott has things to browse while laid up in the hospital!

Forward

Since my last post I've completed my second week of training, and I'll just say thing are going MUCH better than that first post. I spent last week in Ocean City NJ with Scott and his family where I took advantage of the boardwalk just about every day. I ended up running more each day than I had on my plan and put in a solid speed workout on Tuesday. About 26 miles overall, so things are good.

Everything is a little different on vacation. Your normal routine is thrown out the window - which is something my type A personality has a hard time reconciling. But days full of running, root beer and Bashful Banana didn't derail me at all. I moderately maintained my 'fruit rich' eating with a daily banana whip (I mean seriously, ice cream. For lunch. What is better.) and lots of fruit anywhere else. I feel like I've finally discovered the solution to my digestive issues that have been pestering me since childhood. Fruit, lots of it.

So today we're putting life back to normal and starting the work week again tomorrow. But I'm apprehensive to say normal, as in one week Scott will go back into surgery, then recovery for months. I'm definitely nervous, but this has been the plan since March and now it's finally here. It's almost a relief that something is happening, but we don't know what lays on the other side.

It feels strange to have this one part of my life meticulously planned with mileage, workouts, rest days and so on.... and another part with no conceivable plan at all. Maybe just forward.