This is kind of hard for me to say; but I have issues with food. I'd like to think I don't, and that I am too smart and wise to do things that are so blatantly stupid, but yet I find myself doing them. I also hate to admit this because I don't feel that I have 'real' issues with food, it doesn't seem right to stand here and shout, "I'm damaged - look at me!". I've never been a dangerously low weight, I've never gone for days with out eating, I've never binged and purged. But I care about my weight and I care about what I eat. That's normal, that's being healthy, right?
So when does caring about nutrition turn into obsession over calories? I can't say for sure myself because I personally cannot remember when I didn't completely obsess over how much I was eating. I remember being measured for a cheerleading uniform when I was in elementary school and noticing the girl before me had a smaller waist. I remember in middle school skipping lunch because I wanted to lose weight. And in high school I began writing down everything I ate and tracking calories. I kept this up through college and worried about being considered 'lightweight' for rowing, though we never even raced a women's lightweight boat. And before I got married - well I think that's really when this whole thing reached a terrifying crescendo....
It is hard to reconcile nutrition and being thin. They have nothing to do with one another for me. The times in my life when I have been the thinnest have been after periods of extreme depression where I was existing on a diet of little food but lots of alcohol. And the time in my life when I was my heaviest (right after my wedding) was when I was paying the most attention to my diet, my exact macro nutrient breakdown and working out 5 days a week. So clearly I am missing something.
Currently I am struggling with just letting go of the idea that I need be restricting my calories at all. That has been such a constant in my life for... ages - I am having a hard time turning that off in my brain. I'm trying to counteract this by eating mostly whole unprocessed foods, of course vegan, and limiting drinking. I never feel guilty after eating a ton of greens or a fruit smoothie. (Re-reading that I realize that kind looks like I am finding 'safe foods', sigh). I guess I need to learn how to not feel guilty when I eat something that doesn't fall into that category. To not freak out when I eat granola, tortilla chips, or use Earth Balance on something. But I am completely determined to get this behavior out of my life. I've been doing it for way too long - and I don't want it to get in the way of my future life. I don't want to pass these behaviors down to a child I might have one day. I want to stop tracking everything I eat even I'm afraid I'll gain weight if I do. I want to realize that my worth is NOT defined by my appearance.
So to work on this I've been doing some things different. I'm focusing on the nutrients I get from food, rather than the amount of calories in it. I'm learning to distinguish between hunger and boredom and eating when I need to. And, perhaps the hardest for me, just letting it go if I eat too much of something or a 'bad' food. Not taking those calories away the next day or expelling them in some medieval way.
It would be easy for me to blame these feelings I have towards food on the media, or societal pressure, or my ex.... I've certainly gotten a lot of reinforcement for my behaviors over the years. But that allows me to shrug off the responsibility of being my own person with my own standards and ideas. I'm completely done ascribing to any one else's parameters on how to live - and mine certainly don't include being pretty to make other people comfortable.
So this has mostly been a rambling of things I just needed to say to myself, out loud. And I've just eaten a piece of toast with cookie butter on it that myfitnesspal would say is one piece too many for today, but fuck it. I was hungry.
On Repeat:
Depeche Mode - Violator
Mogwai - The Hawk Is Howling
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