The start

I officially started my half marathon training today. This gives me about 15 weeks - which is probably more than necessary but I already feel like it won't be enough. 

I let a lot of negative thoughts flood in while I ran around the canal today after work. "It's hot." "My hamstring feels sore." "My foot too." "I look so weird in that store window." "I don't look like a runner." "I'm never going to run 13.1 miles, these 4 are hard."

And then I got a really bad stitch in my side and had to walk for a bit. Womp womp. So I realized that if I am EVER going to even come considerably close to improving on my half marathon time I am going to have to take this training day by day. As in, just focus on the miles for the day and nothing else. I'd really like to not psyche myself out of this. If I focus too much on 13.1 miles, especially at the beginning here, I'm going to panic. 

I'm following a plan that is provided on the race's website (by Scott's same coach) for a 'pacer' or someone that already is running 4-5 times a week distances of 4-8 miles. Ok, check. I already am not just a 'finisher'. That's something. 

This negativity might just be a product of my exhausted emotional state of late. Life is busy here. If I was smart, I'd use running as a release but no - I must add running to the list of things I need to stress about. 

However, I have (somewhat) allowed myself to stop worrying about other trivial things. For instance constructing a specific personal style, or eating. Stress about food has actual gone down considerably since I've increased my running. I've found that I need to be eating a high amount of fruits and vegetables to keep my digestion running and that eating tons of processed carbs (pretzels, tortilla chips, etc.) just doesn't help. Otherwise though I'm able to eat say... a cupcake, or a peanut butter chocolate chip bar and not have a panic attack. Progress!

Nutrition, and what does that even mean?

This is kind of hard for me to say; but I have issues with food. I'd like to think I don't, and that I am too smart and wise to do things that are so blatantly stupid, but yet I find myself doing them. I also hate to admit this because I don't feel that I have 'real' issues with food, it doesn't seem right to stand here and shout, "I'm damaged - look at me!". I've never been a dangerously low weight, I've never gone for days with out eating, I've never binged and purged. But I care about my weight and I care about what I eat. That's normal, that's being healthy, right?

So when does caring about nutrition turn into obsession over calories? I can't say for sure myself because I personally cannot remember when I didn't completely obsess over how much I was eating. I remember being measured for a cheerleading uniform when I was in elementary school and noticing the girl before me had a smaller waist. I remember in middle school skipping lunch because I wanted to lose weight. And in high school I began writing down everything I ate and tracking calories. I kept this up through college and worried about being considered 'lightweight' for rowing, though we never even raced a women's lightweight boat. And before I got married - well I think that's really when this whole thing reached a terrifying crescendo....

It is hard to reconcile nutrition and being thin. They have nothing to do with one another for me. The times in my life when I have been the thinnest have been after periods of extreme depression where I was existing on a diet of little food but lots of alcohol. And the time in my life when I was my heaviest (right after my wedding) was when I was paying the most attention to my diet, my exact macro nutrient breakdown and working out 5 days a week. So clearly I am missing something.

Currently I am struggling with just letting go of the idea that I need be restricting my calories at all. That has been such a constant in my life for... ages - I am having a hard time turning that off in my brain. I'm trying to counteract this by eating mostly whole unprocessed foods, of course vegan, and limiting drinking. I never feel guilty after eating a ton of greens or a fruit smoothie. (Re-reading that I realize that kind looks like I am finding 'safe foods', sigh). I guess I need to learn how to not feel guilty when I eat something that doesn't fall into that category. To not freak out when I eat granola, tortilla chips, or use Earth Balance on something. But I am completely determined to get this behavior out of my life. I've been doing it for way too long - and I don't want it to get in the way of my future life. I don't want to pass these behaviors down to a child I might have one day. I want to stop tracking everything I eat even I'm afraid I'll gain weight if I do. I want to realize that my worth is NOT defined by my appearance.

So to work on this I've been doing some things different. I'm focusing on the nutrients I get from food, rather than the amount of calories in it. I'm learning to distinguish between hunger and boredom and eating when I need to. And, perhaps the hardest for me, just letting it go if I eat too much of something or a 'bad' food. Not taking those calories away the next day or expelling them in some medieval way.

It would be easy for me to blame these feelings I have towards food on the media, or societal pressure, or my ex.... I've certainly gotten a lot of reinforcement for my behaviors over the years. But that allows me to shrug off the responsibility of being my own person with my own standards and ideas. I'm completely done ascribing to any one else's parameters on how to live - and mine certainly don't include being pretty to make other people comfortable.

So this has mostly been a rambling of things I just needed to say to myself, out loud. And I've just eaten a piece of toast with cookie butter on it that myfitnesspal would say is one piece too many for today, but fuck it. I was hungry.

On Repeat:

Depeche Mode - Violator

Mogwai - The Hawk Is Howling