Ignorance is bliss

In February I threw away my scale. Before that I weighed myself every morning and agonized over tiny fluctuations. I let those numbers dictate my mood and what I thought of myself. Since I am trying to be more proactive about things that cause my anxiety, I decided the best way to stop worrying about my weight was to not know my weight. I ceremoniously deposited the scale in our garbage can on a Sunday and sighed a nervous breath when the trash was picked up that Monday.

At first I kind of panicked. Not knowing the number actually increased my anxiety. I worried about suddenly gaining even though I've been extremely consistent for most of my adult life. But eventually I began to forget about it. My clothes were fitting just as they always did. I was feeling less guilt over eating certain things. I was not trying to estimate calories in my head. I was able to almost completely disassociate from that number. It was liberating.

So now it's been two months I've gone without knowing my weight. Today I was at the YMCA to run on the treadmills and they have a scale in the locker room. Admittedly I immediately felt relief. Relief that I could finally weigh myself again, to see just how far off track I was and where I needed to be, to have the data, to be in control.

And I weighed myself. I was the same weight I've pretty much always been. Thoughts jumped into my head right away that I used to hear all the time. "Ok, that is fine but it could be better." Or "It's not the lowest I've ever been." This time however, those thoughts were fleeting. Almost a haze I could waft away with a wave of my hand. I got on the treadmill, had a good run and mostly forgot all about it.

That response is STARKLY different than my old response. That number would flash above my head for the rest of the day like a neon sign. I might forgo a snack I would have otherwise eaten. I would anxiously await the next morning, where I could do this ritual all over again and maybe have a better outcome. But now I've realized that knowing vs. not knowing doesn't change anything. I do not weigh significantly less when I weigh myself daily. People do not like me more. I do however, experience a lot more stress, negative body image, and anxiety. People probably like me less since I am an unconfident moody mess.

I personally don't give a shit what anyone else weighs. So why must I put that pressure on myself? I plan to continue my life without a scale. It really frees my mind up to focus on a lot more important things; like what new projects Scott and I are going to do this weekend, or what book I will read next, or how should I go about my first sewing project.

I am so much more than my weight.